Depression

I feel it slowly creeping in. Trying to make a home inside of me. Tugging at my heart as if to say, "Let me in. I want to play!" But by play it really means slither into all the hidden places of my being and slowly take hold of each emotion, each thought and each moment, stealing away the joy that's there.

Is it the time of year? I don't think so. This is actually my favorite time of year. The cool weather, the beautiful colors, my birthday, the beginning of all the holiday festivities. And this year I get to celebrate another birthday - my baby girl's.

Ahhh...and there it is. Perhaps that's where it's coming from? My baby girl is about to turn one.

She's my last. David and I have talked about it.

• He always wanted two. I kind of always wanted a bushel.
• We got a boy and a girl. One of each makes it feel like we aren't missing out on having a son or a daughter.
• Two is a more practical number - one for each parent, or if alone, one for each hand.
• Two is more affordable. We live modestly and certainly can't afford to send a bushel of kids to college. Can we even afford to send two?
• We have two amazing kids. I've been told - "don't try again or you might break the pattern." I've talked to enough people whose last child is difficult. Why mess up a good thing?

Why? Because I love babies. My babies. I love them when they're little. I love them when they're snuggly and soft and have that sweet baby smell. I love the dependence - it's so hard and yet so rewarding at the same time.

There are days as my kids get older that I think there is no way I could handle having any more kids. Those days when I want to pull my hair out. Those days when I want to scream at my kids to stop screaming! Those days like today when I feel spent and alone and too needed and conflicted and down. And I think of how it will be in a few more years - how busy we'll be and how involved I want to be in each of my kids' lives - their school, church, extracurricular activities, extended family time, etc. Is there any way to do it all?

And then there will be a day when I'm not needed so much anymore. I'll be a friend, a confidante. But not really needed. I'll be a support system and a person to bounce ideas off of. But the dependence and the great need for "Mom" just won't be there anymore.

And it boils down to - she's my last. My baby girl will always be my baby girl. Because she's my last. There was a time when I didn't know how I could have a second child. My love for Xander was so great that I feared sharing that love or dividing it. I wanted to give him my all. And when little Amelia Jayne was born - my love wasn't divided, it multiplied. It was a miracle. I didn't understand it - I still don't understand it. But I am so thankful that God has blessed me with enough love for both of them.

So, I will fight those depressed feelings. I will enjoy each moment and love each stage that we go through, because even the hard stages are over in a flash. And I will gaze longingly on my friends who are having more babies. I will hold their babies and love on them and then I will go home to my own "babies" and I will pull them onto my lap (no matter how big or old they get) and I will hug them and love on them. They are my forever babies.